Mbalula’s emissions of flower-scented hot air should be harnessed with an array of steam turbines installed on the lawn of his ministerial residence. With just one Butheleziesque speech and one press release a day – and he’s capable of much more – Bra Fiks could banish the threat of load- shedding this winter.
Any surplus power generated could be sold to neighbouring economies. Such an innovation would concretise the ANC’s dream of a developmental state in its purest form.
This idea came to me while reading Mbalula’s recent missive to the media about the Nations Cup budget stalemate. The statement runs to 1331 words, including such delicious ones as “modalities”, “spheres”, “crescendo”, “aforementioned”, “emanating” and “undying”. (When he gets time, Mbalula should bash out a Mills Boon novel set in a government department. I’d buy it.)
One interesting earlier passage refers to the swapping of hosting rights with Libya: “It was serendipitous that South Africa was never going to host the Africa Cup of Nations 2017 as a result of the violence and civil unrest that engrossed North Africa and Libya, particularly.”
(Translation: Luckily, the Libyans were too preoccupied with getting killed to host the tournament in 2013.)
And a bit later: “Safa had approached the ministry to consider this request favourably and we have indeed done so and committed to do everything possible to support Safa in the interest of football, and most importantly out of our deep humanitarian convictions and solidarity with our fellow African men and women.”
(Translation: Listen, we’re latter-day Kwame Nkrumahs, so stop being so pedantic about who’s paying.)
Many respected scholars agree that Mbalula’s essay contains the following core message: “The government hasn’t yet underwritten the cost of the Nations Cup. Now everybody must stop talking about this issue, or else I will personally come to your home and deliver an after-dinner speech!”
But there is some dissent over the true substance of Mbalula’s warning to any officials who talk to the media, because it is exquisitely vague, as any good threat should be: “Any person or structure or body that ignores this message will be acting outside government processes and for that, we all know, there are dire consequences for the implicated or affected party.”
This part worries me, because I act almost exclusively outside the aforementioned government processes, and this is the first warning I’ve received of the dire consequences thereof. Am I an “implicated or affected party”, or both, or neither? Speaking of which, am I a person or a structure or a body?
I probably knew before reading Mbalula’s statement, but now I’m not sure. Spend 10 minutes with Fiks and the very foundations of your identity begin to crumble. Such is the terrible power of sublime nonsense.
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Article source: http://www.timeslive.co.za/opinion/columnists/2012/04/17/here-s-a-not-so-quick-fiks